Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Passing on wisdom to the next generation of moms... Session 1

I have now been a mother for almost 7 years.
Now although that does not make me any sort-of expert, I do feel I can pass a few nuggets along to those who are just entering into motherhood naively. I feel it is my duty to pour my wisdom upon your beautiful pony-tailed heads. Here are some things I've discovered over the last couple years:
  1. When feeding your baby bananas of any sort, be swift to wipe them up. Dried bananas are harder to clean up than glue, and the brown, slimy substance they turn into will make you want to vomit.
  2. DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, allow your kids to use paint. You may be tempted by the amazing projects on pinterest, or the wonderful artwork your friends have displayed on their fridges, you may even convince yourself that it is "washable" and will be an easy clean... but mark my words, you will live in undeniable regret. No hand-print is worth that.
  3. There are certain things your kids will eat that don't digest: corn, raisins, legos. Prepare yourself to see them again later in the week... also prepare yourself to never be able to eat them again yourself.
  4. You will never be alone again... like never ever ever... ever. Go ahead, try to take a shower or go to the bathroom. The minute you step out of their sight, they will hunt you down like prey.... and if for some reason you can't be found in 32 seconds, they will shriek your name at the top of their lungs until you reappear. (Even while in bed you will find remnants of them.... G.I. Joes, band-aids, nasty little sock with no match.)
  5. Anything you love... they will break. Anything you treasure... will be destroyed. Anything you have saved for years and years... will be shattered into pieces. Case in point: A beautiful vase brought home from Amsterdam from my parents mission trip as a special gift to me= crushed into smithereens. My most favorite mug that I have had since college= cracked and crumbled. My sanity and hope that tomorrow will be a better day= PULVERIZED.
  6. You will never have a clean floor again for more than 23 minutes. Period.
  7. When getting 4 kids ready in the morning, each kid will be missing something different: one kid will be missing socks. one kid will be missing shoes. one kid will be missing a coat, and one kid will just be missing. Learn to roll with the punches and just bring blankets in the car during the winter.
  8. Things you will never again be able to live without (and if you have all these things with you, you could survive 25 days alone in the wilderness and people will forever refer to you as "MacGyver"): ziplock bags, wet wipes, nail clippers, ponytail holders, a pen and the newest issue of Family Fun.
So that's it for now.. and here is my disclaimer: I AM TOTALLY AND MADLY IN LOVE WITH MY CHILDREN and if I have to go insane to raise them right, I am willing to do so.... forever.


Deanna said...

Thanks for the tips! I'm sorry to hear that you can no longer enjoy eating legos due to your children. :(

Tina said...

hahahaha!! can hardly wait for session 2. and if you actually do get around to session 2, as your title implies, you are my hero. even if you don't let your kids paint. :)

victoria said...

Well stated. This would be a great book!!! lol I'm excited for Session 2... I have MUCH to learn.

Case in point: painting pumpkins last week = paint stained clothing and a once beige, now blue high chair. All for a painted pumpkin that will end up in the trash. If only this post came last week! :)

mrsbongiorno said...

I am going to need more of your mommy sessions! Thanks for the laughs and a little bit of worry! :) I love you!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...