I'm not sure how many of these sessions I will do. I will live in unending guilt if I am solely responsible for a lack of procreation due to my candidness.... but the truth must be told. Let me also add that if I know all of these truths and have still birthed, cared-for and loved 4 amazing children, then it's safe to say that I feel it's not only worth it, but I love every single second! Enough of that....here we go with session 2:
- You will begin to prioritize your reactions to things. You will know which cries are serious and which ones are worth ignoring. You will hear a huge thud and freeze until you can evaluate the cry. You will also discover "cue words" that will make you sprint in sheer panic...words like "ewwwww," "uh-oh," "it's ok!" and "yuck!"
- When it comes to fashion, you will most likely trade "trendy" for "clean"... "stylish" for "laundered".... and "chic" for "odorless." Don't stress about it...One day soon you will be able to wear an outfit out of the house that doesn't have a questionable substance on the shoulder and a purse that you can stick your hand into without touching an unidentified liquid.
- Before kids, romance was ensued by fresh roses, expensive dinners-out and beautifully written cards. After kids, you will fall in love all over again just knowing that new Disney movie will keep your kids quiet and contained for at least enough time for you to wrap your arms around each other. (Warning: once you show any sort of physical displays of affection for each other in front of the kids, at least one of your children will feel the need to squeeze in the middle... and her name will most likely be Zoey.)
- There will be certain phrases from common folk that will begin to drive you crazy. Expressions like "can't you just get a babysitter?"... "why can't you just bring the kids?" ... "do you have a sec?" ... or my personal favorite, "good morning!" Don't react, just smile, bite your tongue and find the nearest Starbucks drive-thru.
- You will find yourself saying the oddest phrases you've ever heard... things you thought you would never hear coming out of your mouth. "Stop fishing G.I. Joes out of the toilet with my ladel!"... "Why are you peeing on the front porch in 40 degree weather?" .... "Jesus will not be happy that you beat your brother with the fly-swatter."...It's true, your neighbors might think you are crazy, but truth be told, it's better if you just start owning your crazy now... trust me, it's inevitable.
- Every once in awhile you will have something trigger a distant memory of a former life: a clean car smell, a hot cup of coffee, or 5-minutes of silence. DO NOT let your mind wander back to life before kids! It's the black hole of reminiscing and will only end with you or your spouse in the fetal position.