Passing on wisdom to the next generation of moms... Session 2

I'm not sure how many of these sessions I will do. I will live in unending guilt if I am solely responsible for a lack of procreation due to my candidness.... but the truth must be told. Let me also add that if I know all of these truths and have still birthed, cared-for and loved 4 amazing children, then it's safe to say that I feel it's not only worth it, but I love every single second! Enough of that....here we go with session 2:

1. You will begin to prioritize your reactions to things. You will know which cries are serious and which ones are worth ignoring. You will hear a huge thud and freeze until you can evaluate the cry. You will also discover "cue words" that will make you sprint in sheer panic...words like "ewwwww," "uh-oh,"  "it's ok!" and "yuck!"
2. When it comes to fashion, you will most likely trade "trendy" for "clean"... "stylish" for "laundered".... and "chic" for "odorless." Don't stress about it...One day soon you will be able to wear an outfit out of the house that doesn't have a questionable substance on the shoulder and a purse that you can stick your hand into without touching an unidentified liquid.
3. Before kids, romance was ensued by fresh roses, expensive dinners-out and beautifully written cards. After kids, you will fall in love all over again just knowing that new Disney movie will keep your kids quiet and contained for at least enough time for you to wrap your arms around each other. (Warning: once you show any sort of physical displays of affection for each other in front of the kids, at least one of your children will feel the need to squeeze in the middle... and her name will most likely be Zoey.)
4. There will be certain phrases from common folk that will begin to drive you crazy. Expressions like "can't you just get a babysitter?"... "why can't you just bring the kids?" ... "do you have a sec?" ... or my personal favorite, "good morning!"  Don't react, just smile, bite your tongue and find the nearest Starbucks drive-thru.
5. You will find yourself saying the oddest phrases you've ever heard... things you thought you would never hear coming out of your mouth. "Stop fishing G.I. Joes out of the toilet with my ladel!"... "Why are you peeing on the front porch in 40 degree weather?" .... "Jesus will not be happy that you beat your brother with the fly-swatter."...It's true, your neighbors might think you are crazy, but truth be told, it's better if you just start owning your crazy now... trust me, it's inevitable.
6. Every once in awhile you will have something trigger a distant memory of a former life: a clean car smell, a hot cup of coffee, or 5-minutes of silence. DO NOT let your mind wander back to life before kids! It's the black hole of reminiscing and will only end with you or your spouse in the fetal position.

Passing on wisdom to the next generation of moms... Session 1

I have now been a mother for almost 7 years.

Now although that does not make me any sort-of expert, I do feel I can pass a few nuggets along to those who are just entering into motherhood naively. I feel it is my duty to pour my wisdom upon your beautiful pony-tailed heads. Here are some things I've discovered over the last couple years:

1. When feeding your baby bananas of any sort, be swift to wipe them up. Dried bananas are harder to clean up than glue, and the brown, slimy substance they turn into will make you want to vomit.
2. DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, allow your kids to use paint. You may be tempted by the amazing projects on pinterest, or the wonderful artwork your friends have displayed on their fridges, you may even convince yourself that it is "washable" and will be an easy clean... but mark my words, you will live in undeniable regret. No hand-print is worth that.
3. There are certain things your kids will eat that don't digest: corn, raisins, legos. Prepare yourself to see them again later in the week... also prepare yourself to never be able to eat them again yourself.
4. You will never be alone again... like never ever ever... ever. Go ahead, try to take a shower or go to the bathroom. The minute you step out of their sight, they will hunt you down like prey.... and if for some reason you can't be found in 32 seconds, they will shriek your name at the top of their lungs until you reappear. (Even while in bed you will find remnants of them.... G.I. Joes, band-aids, nasty little sock with no match.)
5. Anything you love... they will break. Anything you treasure... will be destroyed. Anything you have saved for years and years... will be shattered into pieces. Case in point: A beautiful vase brought home from Amsterdam from my parents mission trip as a special gift to me= crushed into smithereens. My most favorite mug that I have had since college= cracked and crumbled. My sanity and hope that tomorrow will be a better day= PULVERIZED.
6. You will never have a clean floor again for more than 23 minutes. Period.
7. When getting 4 kids ready in the morning, each kid will be missing something different: one kid will be missing socks. one kid will be missing shoes. one kid will be missing a coat, and one kid will just be missing. Learn to roll with the punches and just bring blankets in the car during the winter.
8. Things you will never again be able to live without (and if you have all these things with you, you could survive 25 days alone in the wilderness and people will forever refer to you as "MacGyver"): ziplock bags, wet wipes, nail clippers, ponytail holders, a pen and the newest issue of Family Fun.

So that's it for now.. and here is my disclaimer: I AM TOTALLY AND MADLY IN LOVE WITH MY CHILDREN and if I have to go insane to raise them right, I am willing to do so.... forever.